Living In All CAPS

Ladies and Gentlemen, my sister:

By all means, please introduce yourself.

Oh hey there. I'm the Big Sister. I like coffee, reading, writing, making lists, and annoying my little brother. Just kidding. (Kind of.)

What's your favorite thing about being married?

Living with my bff. Preshy presh, I know. haha. But seriously, there's something so fun about being with someone who knows every aspect of your life. Like one minute, I may want to tell someone about that weird person at work today and the next, need a hand to squeeze when I get really bad news. And for me, the person that I go to first with both of those things is Adam. Also, he's really freaking funny so that keeps things entertaining. Oh! And as newlyweds (are we still considered newlyweds when we just started year #2?), it has been (mostly) fun to discover each other's idiosyncrasies (of which, Adam has more than me, OBVIOUSLY).

Haha right...

Do you see yourself stickin around KC?

Hmm I don't know. I'm not much of a planner. (Haha. Okay fine, FINE! I'm Type A and proud of it!) But anyway, I don't see us moving anytime soon and I'd guess that we'll be Midwesterners for life. As far as specifically KC, well, we're here now. And that's all I have to say about tha-at.

Good. Mom will like having you close. Plus, you guys can come to my bar!

Lemme preface by saying 'puke' BUT what was/were the moment(s) that you knew you and Adam were in it for the long-haul?

Let me preface this by saying I hope you vomit big time.
Well we were best friends for years before we started dating, which made things interesting. I would say:
-When I read through old journals and realized I had (unknowingly) written pages about him
-When we weren't dating and it sucked
-When he met the fam and passed with flying colors--especially with you and Grandma. That meant a lot.
-When he was in India for a summer and I was about to lose my mind
-When, after icky fights and an emotional breakdown or two (ha), we were both still all in.
I remember Mom saying something once about how when she and Dad were dating there just came a time when she couldn't imagine life without him and didn't want to. That's pretty much what it comes down to, I think.

Well said...Legit.

What're you reading currently?

I am in the market for a good book, actually. Adam and I are about to start this book, which I'm excited about. And I just finished this book, which was interesting but creepy. Lately, I've just been reading a lot of Real Simple. I know. I'm cool.

What comes after the library?

For now, I'm kicking around the idea of becoming a for-real librarian (which means a masters in library science and information technology...which means $$$, no sleep and even more caffeine...haha). Or maybe I'll just become fantastically famous writing stories about you...er, I mean...life as I know it. haha. (I wish.)

What is the next overseas excursion?

We have a few places on our mind, but I'd put my money on India. Just not this year because we need a little thing called funds. haha.

Favorite quote/story/etc... from mom and dad. (There's kids listening so keep it PG..haha)

Mom: All the times we'd try really hard to get her to really lose it laughing. It was a group effort and well worth it because it is hilarious. Also of all the funny phrases she uses: "Oh my stars!" " Oh, you dog!" and "My dogs are barkin" are the first to come to mind but there are quite a few. haha.
Dad: Riding around in his truck belting out "Wild Thing!" And against my better judgment, I have to say that his prank that Christmas when he conspired with the mall Santa Clause to fool his innocent, doe-eyed daughter into thinking that maybe Santa was real after all was pretty good. (I mean, if it were true, but since the video is lost in translation, we just can't be sure. haha)
Brian: The image of you riding your bike against the wind. Okay that is only funny to me. And actually mean. But I had to throw it in there. As Adam would say, my "big sister is showing." haha.

***I'm almost certain there was at least an F4 tornado that night. Who wouldn't have leaped off their bike, running (crying, screaming, ya know...) to the house that was half a block away?? Perfectly logical...and rational...riiiiight?***

First thing to go through your mind when I said I dropped out?First impressions...etc..

I think it went something like this:
1. What the crap.
2. How did I not know?!
3. When did my little brother grow up?!
4. How is everyone in the room handling this?
5. ...This will be an interesting lunch (ha).
I didn't see it coming, so I was surprised and let's be honest, I work hard to "be in the know" so it was definitely a shocker. I remember trying to take everything in and asking a few questions initially, but then realizing that all that matters right now is that you know I am on your side and want you to be happy. (insert long distance hug)

Ha thanks. Yea sorry for keeping you in the dark. The original plan was to tell you and Adam. It was gonna be practice for Mom and Dad haha. Turns out it didn't work out that way. Who knew Mom could shoot such ice crystals from those sweet little eyes of hers?? haha

Quick. Chocolate or conversation? (And I'm talkin REAL GOOD CHOCOLATE.)

Not enough information! Conversation with who? And did I have chocolate for breakfast or have I not yet had my dose of sugar for the day? ...Umm...I'm going to say conversation (but secretly think WHAT KIND OF CHOCOLATE?!).

Fair enough. I should've been more specific...

For all of us 20-somethings, what's your advice on growing-up?

First and foremost, EXCUSE ME. I am STILL a twenty-something thankyouverymuch. (Rude.) It's weird because I feel like I am in no place to be offering advice since I feel far from having things "figured out".
I've been learning lately that I'll always be learning. Maybe that sounds like a cop out but honestly, I think that it's a big deal to be able to shift your thinking from "okay life is about ticking A, B, C, and D off my list and in that order, so let's get started" to "okay life is ever-changing, sometimes crappy, full of questions and a work in progress." That's too simplistic, of course, and I don't actually live like I believe it every day, but it is part of growing up, or it is for me. I think it's important to identify what will be your anchor, your hope, your motivation early on because there will be times when that's all that will keep you going.
I think, too, that it is easy to believe that life is all me, me, me--what do I want out of this, how is this for me, what about my wants/needs/goals/priorities/etc. but that really shouldn't be the case. There are lots of people in this world and you're going to miss out on a lot (and in my opinion, the best things) when you put those blinders on. Sure, we all have individual needs and passions and especially as 20-somethings, the stakes are lower so we can take risks, we can explore our interests and put ourselves out there without putting as much on the line (most don't have families to support, mortgages, etc.).
I guess what I'm trying to say--brevity is not my strong point--is that those are fine things to explore and I am totally not trying to squelch any desire to be creative, or work hard for a goal or really examine what is important for you as an individual. But do it all in community and keep the community in mind. Surround yourself with those who are older and wiser...and listen to them. Invest in those that are younger. Befriend those who will be honest with you and want the best for you. And remember that you have something to offer the world--and your gift is not given for you to merely keep to yourself.
(((Bumper stickers coming soon--haha.)))

Haha didn't mean to insinuate you weren't a 20-something. Don't worry...you're not (that) old.

When's the next 5K???

You tell me. I'll sign up when Dad does. (And you'll both beat me. Dang it.)

Bring it.

Excellent. If that didn't make you LOL or ROLF or whatever the kids are saying these days, I don't know what will. Thanks Sara. You're a pal. Much love.

Brian

To Whom It May Concern

Why do the worst things happen to the best of people?

I think I can answer that with a fairly simple answer: there are those who think they know what's best, what is 'right', and roll with it.

My mom will be laid off in little over a month due to a decision the conservative governor chose to make. Because of his consolidation of state agencies, my mom will be fresh out of work. My mom will be filling out applications, going through interviews, in hopes of finding something that will suffice as a steady, comparable income to what she had.

I'm gonna argue at the most basic of human values...forget business and bureaucratic BS. I'm arguing as the son of a mother who was laid off due to budget cuts that are supposed to help us. With that, Mr. Brownback, I say GO TO HELL. How dare you decide my mom's near future with the wave of your Republican wand. Is the legislature so wrapped out your finger that they refuse to refute such an outrageous decision? Is it true that while the people think they hold a certain power, the sad, sad fact is that it's all up to the select few who seem to hardly have the balls to stand up to such a poor excuse of a leader. Tell me, sir, is that what you're telling me, because your actions are pointing that direction.

No matter what the argument is that one can come up with, the fact remains that you hurt my mom and I will not be beaten down by some conservative prick like you. I would love to hear you explain yourself in front of me and my family and tell us, with all certainty, that this is worth it. Tell my mom the struggle she will face is worth the past 30 some years she's worked. Tell my dad he shouldn't feel obligated to work more in order to provide for his wife when he's already working two jobs as it is. Tell my sister she doesn't need to worry, being the kind, caring person she is, about my mom and her future. Make her alright with the fact that her mother is being kicked to the curb. Give me a reason to hope...and don't bullshit with me. Give my mom a job. Give her options. Don't just leave her out to dry. She doesn't deserve that.

The hard decisions you have to make are hardly a scrape to your elbow compared to the hole you leave in us that are actually effected. Step down from you pedestal and open your eyes. You're going to find yourself horribly alone if you keep this kind of policy up...and rightfully so. Then you might actually gain some insight in the mind of the hopeless, in the mind of the laid off, in the mind of the families effected by this consolidation, in the mind of your citizens.

I know this sounds depressing and hopeless but you can thank the governor for that. It's his product and who am I to refuse credit where credit is due?

Brian

Ink

I'm gonna get another tattoo Thursday.

CAN'T WAIT.

It's going on the 'pale part' of my fore-arm and it's gonna kick ass.

Check it out. It's gonna rock your socks.

This will work.

So I'm sitting here, by myself, listening to some music that demands some introspection, eating my cereal, at 2:30 in the morning, and all I can think to myself is "This will work...right?".

For those of you that are so horribly misinformed, see this.

Is this what I saw comin'?

Uh....no. This is not.

BUT I'm fine with it...Well, I've come to accept it. An overwhelming feeling of guilt has crept up on me. I was used to the cookie-cutter schedule that college presented: Wake up. Go to class. Lunch. Class. Take the bus home. Nap. Snack. Go out/work out/do something, anything. Rinse and repeat. That was my life.

Now it seems my schedule has been reduced down to nothing. I go to work when I need to. Aside from that, I try to make sure I'm up at a decent time. I try to do something productive during the day and I go to work. I do this all in hopes of a dream or vision or whatever, of opening up a bar. I do this with the mindset of "this will work."

This idea.

This concept.

This potentially devastating leap.

This will work.

Grabble Grabble Grabble

After serving for the past 8 months, I've come to a profound realization: People suck. There are those 'gems' out there that love to complain, thus love making your life a living hell at their expense. This concept was embodied by a rather large lady I had the privilege of serving a few nights back. Here's the run-down...

There were six middle aged women, all of which looked a little on the trashier side so I wasn't expecting much (Yea, yea, that sounds mean, but you learn to trust your superficial instincts). From the start, they seemed nice enough. It was Martini night so they all got a round of martinis and some salads and whatnot. One select, aforementioned lady wanted a straw for her water. I was pretty busy so I forgot to bring it the next time around. Whatever, she'll live. Finally I remembered to bring it and I joked, "About time, eh?". She laughed and said something, I can't really remember.

So by the time they were on their second round, it was about 11, and my manager said I could be cut. With that, I went to their table and told em I was about to leave so they could close out with me or I could transfer their tab to the bar. They decided to close out. I brought them their check, they gave me their cards, I ran 'em, and brought 'em back. I decided to go by the table and swipe their closed out checks because they were taking forever to get up. I get back to the computer and realize I am one check short but wasn't too concerned since I figured it was hidden somewhere on the table, plus I was just pissed because they all were God-awful tippers. I went back after they left to look for it. I found it. It was face down, halfway hidden. I turn it around and NOT ONLY did the lady leave me roughly 9%, but on the top corner, the ticket read 'Pretty bad service...'.

Listen here Plus Sized (oooo...too mean?), I understand I was a little busy so I'm sure my service may not have been pristine, HOWEVER, if it was TRULY that bad, why not tell me? Or not tip me at all? Or just leave it at the 9% tip? That obviously sent a pretty clear message. You realize I have 20 other drunk people that want my undying attention and service that I have to tend to. You realize I'm making 2.13/hr so tipping a dollar on a $20 or $25 tab is a travesty. You realize that writing 'pretty bad service' does nothing productive, in fact, it just makes me resent a-holes like you THAT much more. Wait no, resent isn't a fair verb. I think loathe is a little more appropriate.

If I was addicted to nicotine, YOU'D be the reason I smoke. If I was an alcoholic, YOU'D be the reason I drink. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for making my work-life that much harder. I hope you're not like this in other aspects of your life, or else you are going to be a very lonely, lonely person.

I think there's some traffic outside. Go play in it.

PEACE,

Brian

Nom Noms

I recently started drinking V8. I remember as a kid it tasting like death. However, with my more 'esteemed' taste buds, I have grown to like it. Whether or not it just reminds me of Bloody Mary's is not the issue (however I do love me some Bloody Mary's...especially Louise's West's).

On a side note, I'm on day 5 of living on my own. So far, so good. It's a little strange but I don't mind it. I'm working so much I really hardly notice it. It's the days off, such as yesterday, that I really get restless but I'll manage...usually by either cleaning, playing my music (ps. just got a new snare. SUPER excited for it..), reading, or watching Scrubs, as of late. I suppose there's worse things I could be doing to occupy my time. I'm just waiting for it to get nice out so I can get out and ride.

Aaaand that's about all I got for today. Nothing too in depth or philosophical but due to a request from someone, I was told to write more...which isn't a bad thing, I don't think. So there's that.

Brian

ps. Might I mention that the above link is the first successful one I've EVER put up in the blog. High fives all 'round! YEA!

The Question

"So how does it feel now that you're not having to go to class and take tests? I bet you're loving it," says generally everyone that I call my friends and acquaintances.

This question, while seeming pretty obvious at the shallowest of levels, actually packs a little punch. Here's why...

When people think of dropping out of school they automatically jump to the conclusion of freedom to do whatever you want. They/I think/thought that the chains of a 'broken educational system (blah..blah..blah)" have been lifted. They can do anything. Anything.

Oooooo sh*t.

Yea, ummm that's terrifying.

By dropping out, I'm throwing myself out to my own devices, instruments that haven't really been tested for such strenuous conditions. By dropping out, I forfeited my supposed safety net. By dropping out, I alienated myself from my peers and got tossed in that group that everyone knew they weren't going anywhere anyways. By dropping out, I slapped a scarlet letter on my chest. By dropping out, I, from the looks of the previous few sentences, have become a little dramatic.

By dropping out, I made the biggest decision of my life...thus far. But don't you think I know this? I know I brought this on myself, stigma and all. I know that I have potentially become a disappointment. Trust me.

When I'm asked this question of 'how awesome it must feel to drop out', yea it's great but it's also alot to handle. It's hard to justify that decision when you struggle to stay busy throughout the day when you know everyone else is going to classes. It's hard to rationalize with people this decision when you have nothing to show for it, and probably won't for the next few years. It's hard to feel good about a decision that has just as much of a chance for failure as it does success...if not more.

But....I'm growing up and I'm learning and I'm realizing I gotta make my own silver lining if there's none to be had in the immediate future. My confidence in the abstract is slowly surpassing my reliance on the concrete. I'm basing my future on an idea, not a degree.

Opening yourself up to any life you want, while great and freeing (if that's a word) and daring, is also scary as hell.

With all that said, rest assured I fully plan on NOT failing but sometimes, a brotha's gotta vent. Can I get an AMEN! (*Amen*)

Good. Night.

Brian

Get. Out. Of...TOWN!

I've noticed something about my generation. We don't stay put. Whether we're chasing cheap thrills, escaping our past, or pursuing a new life (career, family, etc..) we rarely stay in one place for too long. I know I don't write in my blog often, but I think a semi-common theme in it, as a whole, is change. Aptly so, I think. After all, I am 22. I think its natural though. Take your hometown for example. (I'm speaking generically, so for all you exceptions out there...shut it. You're ruining my argument.) You go to elementary school, middle school, and highschool in the same town. Then you graduate. Now what? For the majority, we get the hell outta Dodge. We go to college, to a new town, to a new experience. Anything but here. After college, then what? Grad school? A career? Pack your bags kids, it's time to go.

We are always on the move...never comfortable with the present situation we're in.

I'm a prime example. In less than 2 months, I may be moving to Florida for 6 months. Why? For one, I need to make money for the bar, which is at the forefront. Two, it's something different. It's something I can tell people. It'll make a nice conversation piece.

This is not to say that I'm over Lawrence. I love Lawrence. I love the people, the town, and the experiences it has to offer.

The same can't be said about Topeka (my hometown). Yes I grew up there and I suppose I still consider it home, as my parent still live there and where they are, home is. With that said, I had to get outta there. Topeka is a place that will suck you in if you aren't careful. I think hometowns can be spoken for in that regard in general though. There's a fine line between jet-setting somewhere and giving up on a place. I'll be the first to say that I gave up on Topeka. It hardly tends to my needs.

This potential move to Florida has made me think alot of finding the good in places. Realizing I may be away from Lawrence for the better part of a year has made me come to grips with the fact that I enjoy my present situation, that is the people I've surrounded myself with and the places I've been. Why would I leave that? (see above..)

While I agree one should escape in order to better themselves, that same person has to give their current location a chance. I gave Topeka a chance. I realized all it has to offer. What I want, Topeka could not produce. I look at some of my friends still stuck there (stuck may be a bit brash) and think, "Man, sucks for them". But, those that are still in Topeka, maybe they found their niche? Maybe they found their place. I hope they have.

Where you are now, may not be where you are forever. Duh...But at the same token, where you are now, you have to find something worth sticking around for. If you can't, get outta there.

And that's that. Cliche's aside, the pursuit of happiness is very much dependent on where you are and if you aren't happy where you're at, then I'd say that chase isn't going too well.

Alcohol and writing goes together wonderfully....

Brian

And that's that

I dropped out of school.

Scratch that...I decided I was finished (thanks Kanye).

Before you write me off with that stigma of a college drop out, rest assured that I have a plan. I have a plan to open a bar with my best friend. I have a plan to do something that I want to do....not what other people think I should do.

I'm not gonna get into the details, but just know that I am perfectly happy and incredibly excited about the decision I made. So before you assume the worst about me and my decision, ask yourself, 'are you excited about your future? What are YOU doing about it?'

Sorry school...we both knew this wasn't gonna last anyways. It's better we cut our losses now.

Brian

Sir Palauniuk

May I never be complete.

May I never be content.

May I never be perfect.

Words to live by my friends...words to live by.

Here's to you, Little Lady..

So we carried the casket- YOUR casket- to a spot nestled right by Pete's. We carried you to your spot and lowered you down. With a few last words, we got back in our cars and drove away knowing full well, the severity of it all had yet to show us its true power.

And I have a pretty good idea where you are now, but I don't care. I just want you back.

Until next time Grandma,

Brian