The Question

"So how does it feel now that you're not having to go to class and take tests? I bet you're loving it," says generally everyone that I call my friends and acquaintances.

This question, while seeming pretty obvious at the shallowest of levels, actually packs a little punch. Here's why...

When people think of dropping out of school they automatically jump to the conclusion of freedom to do whatever you want. They/I think/thought that the chains of a 'broken educational system (blah..blah..blah)" have been lifted. They can do anything. Anything.

Oooooo sh*t.

Yea, ummm that's terrifying.

By dropping out, I'm throwing myself out to my own devices, instruments that haven't really been tested for such strenuous conditions. By dropping out, I forfeited my supposed safety net. By dropping out, I alienated myself from my peers and got tossed in that group that everyone knew they weren't going anywhere anyways. By dropping out, I slapped a scarlet letter on my chest. By dropping out, I, from the looks of the previous few sentences, have become a little dramatic.

By dropping out, I made the biggest decision of my life...thus far. But don't you think I know this? I know I brought this on myself, stigma and all. I know that I have potentially become a disappointment. Trust me.

When I'm asked this question of 'how awesome it must feel to drop out', yea it's great but it's also alot to handle. It's hard to justify that decision when you struggle to stay busy throughout the day when you know everyone else is going to classes. It's hard to rationalize with people this decision when you have nothing to show for it, and probably won't for the next few years. It's hard to feel good about a decision that has just as much of a chance for failure as it does success...if not more.

But....I'm growing up and I'm learning and I'm realizing I gotta make my own silver lining if there's none to be had in the immediate future. My confidence in the abstract is slowly surpassing my reliance on the concrete. I'm basing my future on an idea, not a degree.

Opening yourself up to any life you want, while great and freeing (if that's a word) and daring, is also scary as hell.

With all that said, rest assured I fully plan on NOT failing but sometimes, a brotha's gotta vent. Can I get an AMEN! (*Amen*)

Good. Night.

Brian