The Question

"So how does it feel now that you're not having to go to class and take tests? I bet you're loving it," says generally everyone that I call my friends and acquaintances.

This question, while seeming pretty obvious at the shallowest of levels, actually packs a little punch. Here's why...

When people think of dropping out of school they automatically jump to the conclusion of freedom to do whatever you want. They/I think/thought that the chains of a 'broken educational system (blah..blah..blah)" have been lifted. They can do anything. Anything.

Oooooo sh*t.

Yea, ummm that's terrifying.

By dropping out, I'm throwing myself out to my own devices, instruments that haven't really been tested for such strenuous conditions. By dropping out, I forfeited my supposed safety net. By dropping out, I alienated myself from my peers and got tossed in that group that everyone knew they weren't going anywhere anyways. By dropping out, I slapped a scarlet letter on my chest. By dropping out, I, from the looks of the previous few sentences, have become a little dramatic.

By dropping out, I made the biggest decision of my life...thus far. But don't you think I know this? I know I brought this on myself, stigma and all. I know that I have potentially become a disappointment. Trust me.

When I'm asked this question of 'how awesome it must feel to drop out', yea it's great but it's also alot to handle. It's hard to justify that decision when you struggle to stay busy throughout the day when you know everyone else is going to classes. It's hard to rationalize with people this decision when you have nothing to show for it, and probably won't for the next few years. It's hard to feel good about a decision that has just as much of a chance for failure as it does success...if not more.

But....I'm growing up and I'm learning and I'm realizing I gotta make my own silver lining if there's none to be had in the immediate future. My confidence in the abstract is slowly surpassing my reliance on the concrete. I'm basing my future on an idea, not a degree.

Opening yourself up to any life you want, while great and freeing (if that's a word) and daring, is also scary as hell.

With all that said, rest assured I fully plan on NOT failing but sometimes, a brotha's gotta vent. Can I get an AMEN! (*Amen*)

Good. Night.

Brian

Get. Out. Of...TOWN!

I've noticed something about my generation. We don't stay put. Whether we're chasing cheap thrills, escaping our past, or pursuing a new life (career, family, etc..) we rarely stay in one place for too long. I know I don't write in my blog often, but I think a semi-common theme in it, as a whole, is change. Aptly so, I think. After all, I am 22. I think its natural though. Take your hometown for example. (I'm speaking generically, so for all you exceptions out there...shut it. You're ruining my argument.) You go to elementary school, middle school, and highschool in the same town. Then you graduate. Now what? For the majority, we get the hell outta Dodge. We go to college, to a new town, to a new experience. Anything but here. After college, then what? Grad school? A career? Pack your bags kids, it's time to go.

We are always on the move...never comfortable with the present situation we're in.

I'm a prime example. In less than 2 months, I may be moving to Florida for 6 months. Why? For one, I need to make money for the bar, which is at the forefront. Two, it's something different. It's something I can tell people. It'll make a nice conversation piece.

This is not to say that I'm over Lawrence. I love Lawrence. I love the people, the town, and the experiences it has to offer.

The same can't be said about Topeka (my hometown). Yes I grew up there and I suppose I still consider it home, as my parent still live there and where they are, home is. With that said, I had to get outta there. Topeka is a place that will suck you in if you aren't careful. I think hometowns can be spoken for in that regard in general though. There's a fine line between jet-setting somewhere and giving up on a place. I'll be the first to say that I gave up on Topeka. It hardly tends to my needs.

This potential move to Florida has made me think alot of finding the good in places. Realizing I may be away from Lawrence for the better part of a year has made me come to grips with the fact that I enjoy my present situation, that is the people I've surrounded myself with and the places I've been. Why would I leave that? (see above..)

While I agree one should escape in order to better themselves, that same person has to give their current location a chance. I gave Topeka a chance. I realized all it has to offer. What I want, Topeka could not produce. I look at some of my friends still stuck there (stuck may be a bit brash) and think, "Man, sucks for them". But, those that are still in Topeka, maybe they found their niche? Maybe they found their place. I hope they have.

Where you are now, may not be where you are forever. Duh...But at the same token, where you are now, you have to find something worth sticking around for. If you can't, get outta there.

And that's that. Cliche's aside, the pursuit of happiness is very much dependent on where you are and if you aren't happy where you're at, then I'd say that chase isn't going too well.

Alcohol and writing goes together wonderfully....

Brian

And that's that

I dropped out of school.

Scratch that...I decided I was finished (thanks Kanye).

Before you write me off with that stigma of a college drop out, rest assured that I have a plan. I have a plan to open a bar with my best friend. I have a plan to do something that I want to do....not what other people think I should do.

I'm not gonna get into the details, but just know that I am perfectly happy and incredibly excited about the decision I made. So before you assume the worst about me and my decision, ask yourself, 'are you excited about your future? What are YOU doing about it?'

Sorry school...we both knew this wasn't gonna last anyways. It's better we cut our losses now.

Brian

Sir Palauniuk

May I never be complete.

May I never be content.

May I never be perfect.

Words to live by my friends...words to live by.

Here's to you, Little Lady..

So we carried the casket- YOUR casket- to a spot nestled right by Pete's. We carried you to your spot and lowered you down. With a few last words, we got back in our cars and drove away knowing full well, the severity of it all had yet to show us its true power.

And I have a pretty good idea where you are now, but I don't care. I just want you back.

Until next time Grandma,

Brian

Here's hopin

Here's hopin that tomorrow goes just as well (and might I say, better) as I will have hoped.

Here's hopin that there are many more weekends just the like that one we just had.

Here's hopin we may all experience the success we all want, even if it looks like a failure in they're eyes.

Here's hopin you don't let that stop you.

Here's hopin that I cross that line with my legs still in tact next month.

Here's hopin you do too (Sara haha).

Here's hopin that not taking this whole 'school' thing too seriously will actually work out.

Here's hopin that this whole 'school' thing doesn't swallow up those who do.

Here's hopin that we don't forget to remember whats actually worth remembering...and forget what's worth forgetting.

Here's hopin we don't forget what we should remember, and remember what we should forget.

Here's hopin that didn't confuse you.

Happy Monday everyone,

Brian

Twice as nice

1. Ralph

I did it. I took the plunge. Two weeks ago I went to the Lawrence Humane Society and rescued a little 2 month old Lab/Shepherd mix named Ralph. Actually, his original name was Ricki but that's an awful name for a dog...or anyone for that matter. I had been wanting a dog for quite some time, and I figured now was as good of time as any. Admittedly, I really didn't know what I was getting myself into. But I've always been a fan of not fully knowing what to expect, so of course I went with it and adopted a rambunctious, little punk of a dog. But I love him, and his motion sickness, and his numerous accidents, and his ripping up the linoleum floor, and his 3:45 AM whining sessions, and all that comes with being a puppy owner. It's an experience that is keeping me on my toes constantly...and I'm thoroughly enjoying it.

2. As promised...

I said I'd elaborate on a few things on the previous post (or was it the one before the previous?), specifically me teaching myself the piano. I have taken piano lessons, and I do know a little bit about music, but I still feel like I'm starting from scratch. That said, I'm kind of kickin ass at it...I couldn't tell you much about piano theory, or play you a diminished third (actually, yes, I think I could), or even tell you about the circle of fifths, BUT I don't really think I need to be able to do that stuff to make music. Maybe if I was teaching music, then I might need to know a little about it, but I'm not, so I won't waste my time. I'm in the process of making, or composing, something. It's all in the dome right now, and chances are it's not gonna make it to paper BUT what I've got so far is pretty tight. So yea, I think I'm well on my way to being able to tell people 'Hi. My name is Brian...and yes, I play the piano.' Chicks love that...right?

Brian